The story of my departure - a gay priest's confession

He served as a provincial Catholic priest for almost a decade. When he realised he was gay, he abandoned his vocation and became a social worker in a homelessness hostel. He continues to serve, acknowledging his sexuality, but no longer within the Church. He spoke to hvg.hu on condition of anonymity.

hvg.hu: When did you realise you were gay, and how did you react to this?

Priest: My calvary began when I was an adolescent. I never had any luck with girls. There were always girls I liked but I never developed a real relationship with them. I was in my 20s when I was first with a man, and it was a searing experience for me. It felt like a tragedy, and I even considered suicide. I eventually ended up going to a psychiatrist. I worked as a skilled labourer for 10 years, graduated from high school, and then I joined a parish and got admitted to a seminary. I studied for five years, and I had believed that these deeply distressing feelings would disappear from my life if I was made a priest. I was wrong. There were many sides to my calling, one of which was the oath of celibacy which allowed me to ignore my sexuality altogether. I hoped that this could be taught. I thought there would be techniques, like those used by singers when they learn to sing a high C. I hoped I could learn in the same way. When it became clear that this problem wasn't going away, I had been a priest for almost 10 years already. I had to accept that I couldn't do anything about this problem. The question was whether I could carry on as a priest, but making a compromise, leading a secret life, accepting that I was unable to adhere to my oath of celibacy. Or I could decide to abandon my vocation.

After hesitating for a long while, I chose to leave. After soul-searching, I realised that sexuality was such a central part of a person, that you can't just sublimate it. There are theories saying that if people live for others, giving themselves entirely, then these desires vanish. But in my life, self-sacrifice was not enough to get rid of those feelings. After five years of suffering, I took the painful decision, and after that I had no doubts.

hvg.hu: Could you talk to anybody about this inner struggle? A friend or a fellow priest?

P.: In the first years of my priesthood I went to a psychologist. I had the traditional Christian belief that homosexuality is a sin. The psychologist's help was not enough, so I began to read about the issue, and I began to see the situation more clearly. Bela Buda wrote a very good book about sexual behaviour, which devotes almost 100 pages to questions of homosexuality. I realised that homosexuality is just a variant of sexuality. It's like being left- or right-handed.

There is no moral difference between right- and left-handedness. You can stroke with either hand - and you can hit with either. It's not about your orientation. Ethically, the only question is whether a relationship is voluntary, based on free commitment and love, or whether it's about blackmail, violence or some kind of threat. I don't believe a relationship between two people of the same sex which is based on mutual understanding is a sin. Of course, I'm going against church teachings by saying this. But you can't stand there at the pulpit and say that. I decided I'd be most honest if I voluntarily give up my Church career. I wanted to be faithful to my self-recognition and I didn't want to live a deceitful double life. But I remained a believer, and I continue to go to Church every day.