The story of my departure - a gay priest's confession

He served as a provincial Catholic priest for almost a decade. When he realised he was gay, he abandoned his vocation and became a social worker in a homelessness hostel. He continues to serve, acknowledging his sexuality, but no longer within the Church. He spoke to hvg.hu on condition of anonymity.

hvg.hu: How did you convince yourself to change?

P.: Nowadays, there is a real stigma attached to priests who leave their vocation. I think it was always like this. This is only part of the problem, because I enjoyed my vocation and I should have liked to stay faithful to it. I think I was a talented preacher, and my flock liked and acknowledged me. All this suddenly vanished. The things that had fulfilled me disappeared from my life.

That's probably why it took me so long to make my mind up. I hadn't been strong enough to leave the vocation while I had no alternative. When I realised if i left priestly orders I could work with the poorest people, I realised I could carry on my vocation in a different way.

I wrote to the head of my order, telling him I couldn't stick to my oath of celibacy. His answer was surprising: he said we should sweep the problem under the carpet. I could deal with the problem without leaving. In other words, the church had no answer. It can't take too hard a line, because these are facts of life, whereas legalising the practice would be impossible. The head of the order wrote an ambiguous letter, leaving it to me to decide. I had already taken a final decision, so I decided I would declare my desires to the world, and carry on doing what I had done before.

Gene Robinson

hvg.hu: Benedict XIV has said homosexuals should be banned from being priests.

P.: That would lead to drastic consequences. There are no precise numbers, but I suspect that around 30 per cent of priests are gay.

Homosexuality is more widespread in the priesthood than in the world at large. But being a priest doesn't make you gay, even if it does mean not being with women and being surrounded by men. But many gay people choose the priesthood because they are more sensitive than others, which is useful for a priestly life. Similarly, many actors and artists are gay. It's also worth asking why somebody's sexuality matters if they've already taken an oath of celibacy - they're not allowed a sex life in any case. So it's clear that we're dealing with a load of taboos that haven't been properly discussed. The church will have trouble with homosexuality until the Final Judgement. They don't have an answer.

hvg.hu: How did you leave the order?

P.: I escaped. I went for a training session and I didn't return home.

Well, a few weeks later I went to collect my stuff. My fellow monks talked to me civilly, to make things go smoothly, but the human link had been broken. I cut myself off from them, and I bore the consequences. The first few months were hellish. I had left a community that I'd been an organic part of. I lost the people who had become my friends, almost my family, over 10 years of service. Some believers were able to understand by decision, but some still refuse to return my greeting, even though I had visited their families frequently. I only survived because I had resolved to carry forward my vocation, even if I had to leave the priesthood. It wasn't that easy, of course. If somebody stays inside the church, he can work much more effectively than somebody who has to do his fighting on his own.